Being out here is like being in jail to an extent. I wish I could get my husband to understand that. He thinks I can just walk around NY with our son with no problem whatsoever. I mean, we ARE in a pretty calm part of it, but it’s STILL NY! When we move again, it won’t be so calm.

Even though I know that he and his godfather are doing their best to make me comfortable here, it’s like I just can’t get there. I know we are leaving soon, so I don’t want to get that comfortable anyway. Depression keeps peeking through my curtains when I look out over the water. I keep fighting it every day. It is like fighting a ghost. You cannot see it or touch it to strangle it and make it leave you alone.

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I have been having more frequent panic attacks than ever in recent weeks. This week has been the worst and I don’t really expect next week to get any better. I am so stressed about this move to New York that I could burst. Not to mention, we have a ton of other things we are getting done at the same time. I have been bogged down in website coding for at least 2 weeks and there is an end in sight, but not very soon. I would love to do a podcast about anxiety attacks, but right now it would probably just trigger the full blown nervous breakdown I have been trying to ward off. Just please be patient as we transition from here to there. I know that you all love me and I love you too, it’s just a rough time in my life right now with all these changes!

Blessings and love to you all.

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Today I deal with some issues in the news and the sexual affliction that periodically plagues me and my relationship.

Mentioned in the podcast:
Stuck with the Stigma
Treatment for Borderline
Study about genetics
Natural remedies for bipolar and depression

Music:
Human Nature
You Are Not Alone
Man In The Mirror

RIP Michael Jackson

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In this return episode of The Meltdown Podcast, I talk about depression rearing its ugly head. I also have a little chatter about women’s issues *sorry guys* toward the end. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, so I figured I would share them with you all.

I also have shot outs to people who have lost loved ones recently. It’s hard to lose someone you love!

I am using my brand new studio mic and a new version of Audacity, so if it sounds funny please give me a learning curve break here

Mentioned:
In The Rooms Recovery site
Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

Songs used:
The Fray –
You Found Me & Hundred

How to Save a Life
Casting Crowns – Set Me Free

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I know you have probably been missing it, and so have I. It has been so hectic over here that my brain has not had time to really focus on any one thing really. I hope that you will continue to come and read even if there is nothing to listen to here. I love you all and appreciate your visits.

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I have lead a life full of sacrifice, it seems. You would think I would be used to it by now, but I am not. I know that the things that we are doing right now come with a lot of sacrifice. I can’t have everything the way I want it. I can’t be the way I want to be. I can’t just let everything go and do what I feel.

Being a Christian comes with sacrifice anyway. It’s part and parcel of the full deal of following Christ. To follow Him means you do the things that He did even unto death. I should expect to sacrifice. Even one of the fruit of the spirit is LONG SUFFERING. It’s the way I have chosen this life. It isn’t easy, especially while coping with sacrifice and trying to keep from relapsing into psychosis.

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There are times when I get tired of being around people. Some may call me a sociophobe or even a sociopath at times. I come to intervals in my life when all I want to do is be alone and secluded. I don’t want to be connected to anyone or anything. It doesn’t happen nearly as often as it once did. I still feel sort of detached from the world most of the time. It’s almost like running a robot with remote control sometimes. I know I can’t be the only person that ever felt this way.

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http://shallowcoffee.blogspot.com/2009/04/im-bipolar-is-that-bi-enough-for-you.html

The thing that makes me mad about mental health is that so many people are using it as an excuse to act out. I mean, just take a look at the news stories that come up. The first thing they say is “the suspect suffers from bipolar disorder” or another mental illness. I think that the media likes to make the excuse more than the actual person. It’s a sad shame that people are being made into pariahs because of their mental illnesses. It’s like they are saying bipolar and borderline people can’t be trusted to live and work in society as normal human beings. They are always expected to go off the deep end and take people with them. It’s the saddest thing I have seen. I hope that one day that stigma will change.

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